In Issue 13: Beauty, Beyond magazine writers and contributors examine the tenuous connections between biology, memory, and remembrance. Like Barton Fink, going on about The Life of the Mind, we are often easily impressed with our own intelligence and forget the raw material is a gift.
A Beyond volunteer who works on an Neurology Intensive Care Unit tells of sudden and slow changes to the brain. The onset of disease, a wrong medication, an accident, an act of what seem to be some humourless and cruel god and we are changed.
In his book Shadow of Memory, writer Floyd Skoot describes his ongoing life with dementia:
We decry what we fear. We shroud it in myth, heap abuse upon it, use language and gesture to banish it from sight or render it comic. By shrinking its monstrousness, we tame it. So a new disease such as AIDS is known first as the gay cancer, or chronic fatigue syndrome is known first as the yuppie flu, officially trivialized, shunted aside. And there is little we fear so much as losing our minds. Synonyms for "demented" are "daft," "deranged," "maniacal," "psycho," "unbalanced." Or, more colloquially, "bananas," "flipped out," "nutty as a fruitcake," "out of one's tree." The demented are like monkeys, it would seem.
I became demented overnight. Sudden onset is one factor that distinguishes my form of dementia from the more common form associated with Alzheimer's disease. For the Alzheimer's patient, who is usually over sixty, dementia develops slowly, inexorably. People have the chance to see these conditions progressing, to adjust in stages, grieve in advance. Mine developed without prelude and without time to prepare, momentously, the way it does in people suffering strokes or tumors, a bullet to the brain, or exposure to toxic substances like carbon monoxide. For me, it was how I imagine the day some sixty-five million years ago when a huge meteorite stuck the earth, turning summer to winter in an instant.
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The word dementia has its root in the Latin dementare, meaning "senseless." Yet I have found my senses heightened following the loss of intellectual force. My responsiveness to odor is so strong that sometimes I think I've become a beagle. Intense spices--Indian, Thai, Mexican--feel exaggerated in their richness; I can become exhausted and confused by eating these foods. My skin often tingles, sometimes for no discernible reason, sometimes in response to the slightest stimulus. The same process that stripped me of significant intellectual capacity and numbed my mind seems to have triggered an almost corresponding heightening of sensory and emotional awareness. Sometimes this can be a maelstrom, sometimes a baptismal immersion. So when "demented" breaks down into "de" for "out of" and "ment" for "mind"--literally "out of mind,"--I interpret the verbal construction as having positive connotations. Not loony, but liberated. Forced out of the mind, forced away from my customary cerebral mode of encounter, I have found myself dwelling more in the wilder realms of sense and emotion. Out of mind and into body, into heart. An altered state.
This is actually biology at work. Dementia is, after all, a symptom of organic brain damage. It is a condition, a disorder of the central nervous system brought about, in my case, by viral assault on brain tissue. When the assault wiped out certain intellectual processes, it also affected emotional processes. I am not talking about compensatory or reactive emotional conditions; I mean the same assault zapped certain emotion-controlling neural tissue, transforming the way I felt and responded, loosening my controls.
It has not been customary to recognize the neurology of emotion. For the nearly four centuries since Descartes's Discourse on Method (1637), scientists have tended to focus their attentions on the mental processes of memory, thinking, or language production. Measurable, readily testable, objective material. Emotions, primitive vestiges of our evolutionary history, were thought of primarily as distractions to mental activity. And were difficult to assess objectively, either from within or without.
But in the last two decades, neuroscientists have made clear that, as Dowling says, "Feelings and emotions--fear, sadness, anger, anxiety, pleasure, hostility, and calmness--localize to certain brain regions." Dowling notes that "lesions in these areas can lead to profound changes in a person's emotional behavior and personality, as well as in the ability to manage one's life." This is what has happened to me.
Intelligence is only part of the story of human consciousness. The longer I dwell in this new, demented state, the more I think intelligence may not even be the most critical part. I have become aware of the way changes in my emotional experience interact with changes in my intellectual experience to demand and create a fresh experience of being in the world, an encounter that feels spiritual in nature. I have been rewoven.